The Backstory: Let’s blame social conditioning.

These are my personal experiences, thoughts and feelings during a time where I am trying to manifest unadulterated love.

It would please me to hear how you relate to the stories and maybe even have some of your own! You can simply respond to this email or post comments on the blog page! I’m excited to connect with you all. 

Backstory:

September 1st 2017 I broke it off with my last long term relationship. I’ve had 4 in my life. I was with this last one for 3 years. That’s long for me. In fact I count everything over a year a long term relationship. Come to think of it, anything that lasted more than 3 months for me is long term. Even with my ex-husband it only lasted 2 years before we split for the 1st of 2 times. Second time was for good. I get to fill in the judgey “Divorced” dot on all my forms now and have been since I was 24yrs old. But that was 13 years ago.

Anyway, this last break up was with the father of my second child. The first child was a product of the "Save This Marriage Game" that I played on the honeymoon. Yeah, I knew it was doomed  before it started but felt some kind of duty to follow through for some reason. ​

IDK why, let’s blame social conditioning.

Since divorcing I have never lived with another man. I always lived alone with my first son, now 16 years old,  with the occasional roommate along the way. Even the roommate relationships never lasted more than a year for me. This last man I gave the ol’ college try at a typical relationship. Again, in my gut, I knew he wasn’t the one from the beginning of my pregnancy but I forced it because we were about to have a baby together.

IDK why, let’s blame social conditioning. 

We got pregnant and then we moved in together. I left the apt that I shared with a roommate and he left his his parents’ attic. I was 33. He was 38. 

So one thing led to another and I finally told him to leave. He did, and I didn’t hear a word from him again until 7 months later. He moved back into his parents' attic. Even with the visitation agreement for our son, I’ve dealt only with his mom. Drop David off to his mother and pick him up from her. And that, to me, was that.

I waited about 3 months before I started dating again. This time taking a big step back and really looking at the perpetual loop I was finding myself in with relationships with the opposite sex. If I changed my mind could I change my experiences? I believe I can. So, how do I change my mind? Exploring that is what has led me here. Manifesting my ideal life, which includes the perfect partner.

Since then I have 4 dudes worth mentioning each an update from the last.  I can see that the manifestations, visualizations and holding myself accountable for my own actions and tendencies are working in the sense that I can feel myself breaking the social conditioning I keep blaming and really getting to the heart of why I keep attracting loveable douchebags that leave me feeling not good enough.

I’m hoping to help other people who may be finding themselves in similar circumstances. Dating in this cruel world. Help you not to feel alone and also in a way, comforting myself.

These stories you are about to hear are based on true events. I have changed the names but the characters and interactions are very real. Many are bizarre af and may have you saying, "No f*cking way did that go down like that," but I assure you. It did.

I’m left here thinking why me? Why the same scenarios over and over. Why is no one good enough? Am I the only one experiencing this horrible behavior and the big one, is it my fault?

I’m done complaining and being the victim. I’m done trying to fit my round peg life into a square hole. I am single now, sure...but I have complete faith that by the end of these memoirs I’ll come to a place of romantic enlightenment and complete contentment with my relationship status with the unadulterated love of my life.

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